lundi 31 mars 2008

Fire walk with me

Cher journal,
Aujourd’hui j’avais rendez-vous avec James. On a fait l’amour, mais après il était bizarre, comme si ça ne lui avait pas suffi. Comme à chaque fois que je le vois, il m’a dit qu’il m’aimait, qu’il voulait me sauver, que je devais arrêter de voir Bobby et de sortir toute seule le soir. Je crois qu’il ne sait pas qui je suis en réalité. Personne ne me connaît, et lui encore moins. Il en deviendrait fou, s’il me voyait réellement…
Donna non plus ne sait pas qui je suis. Elle m’a dit qu’elle voulait venir avec moi ce soir au Road House, mais je n’ai pas envie. Je ne veux pas qu’elle soit comme moi. Si elle me ressemblait, je n’aurais plus personne de tendre à mes côtés. Je ne veux pas qu’elle vienne, et qu’elle me voie comme ça… qu’elle me voie dans les bras d’hommes que je ne connais pas et qui me donnent pourtant ce dont j’ai tellement besoin.
Je m’éloigne de Bobby, chaque jour un peu plus. Il se doute pour James, mais il n’a encore aucune preuve. Après tout James est bien peu de choses… une goutte d’eau dans mon océan d’hommes.
Je sais enfin qui est Bob. Je sais qu’il me veut, et que je ne lui donnerai rien. Je sais qu’il va me détester. Je sais qu’il m’aime autant qu’il me hait. Je sais que je vais mourir par sa main, une main qui m’a donné la vie il y a seize ans. Parfois je me demande si je n’ai pas rêvé tout ça, si je n’ai pas simplement peur d’un homme qui veut faire de moi une vraie femme, alors que je voudrais rester sa petite fille. Je ne peux pas croire que ce soit lui qui vient la nuit dans ma chambre, qui hante mes cauchemars, qui me baise parfois. Il faut que ce soit Bob, et pas lui.
Je n’ai pas peur de me brûler. Je sais jouer avec le feu. Même si la princesse se fait toujours baiser.
Laura.

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